{Quick Reflections 40} Terms of Usage

How many “Terms of Usage” documents has each of one of us signed in a life time? Personally I have lost count! I had to agree to certain long lists of “Terms of Usage” hundreds of times whenever I attempted to download one program or another from the internet. The same was repeated over and over again numerous times in other forms with slight modifications to the title varying between “Lease Terms” for renting apartments or cars, or “Terms and Conditions” for bank accounts and credit cards, or “Terms of Agreement” for electric supply or cell phone lines, or “Certificate of Insurance” for health insurance and malpractice insurance (being a surgeon practicing in the USA) and the list goes on and on.
With time I am accumulating piles and piles of “License Agreements” that even my wife (who reads 5 times as fast as I do) and to whom I am trying to delegate the reading of such documents to is hardly keeping up with them. I will not be exaggerating if I say that within the past 2.5 years I have gathered over a thousand pages of different “Terms of Usage” documents. I am sure all of us have similar experiences.

Now when I started giving this very annoying and life disturbing repetitive event some thought I realized how my priorities were skewed. I could spend 3-4 hours reading a contract for a cell phone line that I would end in 2 years anyway or anything similar that has very limited functionality within a very limited time frame of my life. Not only that but I would also abide by all the terms that most of the time give more benefits to the agency or company that is issuing the contract and would do my best not to breech any of the terms mentioned for fear of the penalties as per the contract. I believe that we all share that attitude. We abide by terms and conditions set by other humans that mostly serve their own benefit more than ours in order to use something that is of very limited benefit to us in a limited time frame. We do not question them or object to any item if we really intend to use that service or object.

On the other hand how much time and attention have I given to go over the “Terms of Usage” manual provided to me by my Creator? He provided me with my “life”, with every cell in my body, with every blessing in this Universe, with countless mercies and gifts and did not ask for anything in return. On the contrary He provided me with a “Terms of Usage” manual that was provided by the Manufacturer to the “products” so that they would function in the best possible way. He will not gain or lose anything if I abide or breech the “Terms of Usage” manual He provided me. On the contrary I am the only gainer or loser if I abide by the terms or breech them. Not only that, how seriously have I taken that manual? How many times have I questioned it and thought whether it is fair or not? How many times have I made use of all the gifts and blessings provided by the Manufacturer yet continued to breech the “Contract”? Even when I breech the contract He does not immediately apply the penalties but rather continues supplying me with the “goods”! Not only that, He even gave humans the freedom to sign the contract or refuse to sign it without either decision affecting His continuous supply of blessings to both parties as long as they are still alive on this Earth. “There shall be no compulsion in [acceptance of] the religion. The right course has become clear from the wrong” (Qur’an; 2:256).

Has the time come for me to start rearranging my priorities and take the “Terms of Usage” manual sent to me by my Creator regarding my whole life on this Earth and in the Hereafter more seriously and to give it the same attention I give to the hundreds of human “Terms of Usage” regarding trivial temporary services?



I had intended to write in details about the different “Terms of Usage” in terms of the two meanings the title carries, the one mentioned above in addition to the terms needed to be fulfilled by one so that God would “use” him or her to serve Him best but then I thought I would defer the latter meaning to a separate reflection.

There

Lying in bed, being pushed around to my destination, I raised my eyes and looked above. Light fixtures on the ceiling were rushing backwards. Voices, mere carefree voices, were all around me. But I was not alone. No one but You feels my excruciating pain. No one but You knows what I am going through. No one but You can ease my torment. Grant me patience my Lord to endure in silence. Forgive my tears for I can hardly bear the hurting.

I am surrounded by strangers now. I am at the mercy of the empty looks of the doctors that take my ordeal as business-as-usual. I am humiliated by cold hands that undress and examine me. I cannot say no to the dry tone that asked me to take off my head scarf for my brain to be scanned and my wounds cared for. "I can walk and talk," I said to myself. "I still am in control," I thought. But that was shattered the first time I treaded the floor with my unsteady steps and shaky soul. That false assumption that I can conquer the world with my confident strong strides was devastated the moment I slipped on a mere ice patch and banged my head against the ground. Oh, how fragile we are! I lost consciousness and could not even remember when or how I got up again. There was no one around to help me get up again. I was all alone, or was I? Sifting through the flashes I barely remember, there was a helping hand that mercifully helped my frail body up and took me home, saving me from freezing to death out in the cruel cold. I was not alone.

And now in my hospital room, I did not want to be alone. I longed to hear the warm voices of my loved ones. I needed their smiles to shine over the overwhelming darkness of my small room. I longed for their reassuring pat to tell me that it is going to be alright again. My helplessness was crippling me. I was desperate to feel them around to warm my heart again. I had my eyes hanging on the cell phone waiting for them to call again. They didn't have to say much, it was enough to have them there.

It was the first time I realize how lonesome one gets when stricken by illness and pain. Nothing but Allaah's mercy and feeling Him all around can alleviate that isolation from life as we know it. This is why Allaah urged us to pay visits and be there for ones fallen ill. This is why He is all there with us to reassure us that we are not alone. This is why the Prophet (Peace be upon him) said, "Verily, Allaah will say on the Day of Judgment, 'O son of Adam! I fell ill, but you did not visit Me.' He (the man) will ask, 'O my Lord! How could I visit you and You are the Lord of the worlds [1]?' Allaah will say, 'Did you not know that my bondsman so-and-so was ill, but you did not visit him. Did you not know that had you visited him, you would have found Me there (i.e. with mercy and reward)?'" [2]

Thank God for His mercy. We are never alone when we have Him all there by our side.
[1] Mankind, jinn (invisible beings of fire) and all creation.
[2] Authentic hadeeth reported by Muslim in Saheeh Muslim page/number 6721, and narrated by Aboo-Hurayrah (RA).

{Quick Reflections 12} Our Loved One(s)..?

Again I received the following reflection from someone, who prefers to remain anonymous, which is so expressive that I have nothing to say to comment on it!
Enjoy.


Our loved ones ... are always an unfinished story; a light breeze, a quick shading place that swiftly goes by without us noticing when it came or how it left. No matter how caring they are, or how durable the bond is, forever is just a foolish word to say and a crazy thing to believe in. Going in different ways, breakup, passing away, bitterness and hatred, a not meant to be situation, inexplicable change of heart or coldness, are the human ways of finishing a story, every human relation must eventually come to one of these ends. However, look who has always been there since the first glance on this world till the last of them all, looking straight at you all the time and everywhere. None of these ends are possible to take place between you and Him. He will neither lead another way (you can do so but actually you have no other way to go), nor leaves you (you ignorantly leave, but he does not, you die but He (SWT) does not), nor hates you (you can be crazy enough sometimes to feel bitter, but He (TWT) is beyond all that). Allah is the right One for everyone at all times and places, He who never changes or grows cold, Subhanu.

Sometimes we just grow tired of the heavy burden of emotions that we carry towards other people. Being abandoned, being unappreciated, not having the ability to give as much as we would love to, caring too much sometimes, losing loved ones, depending on feeble counterparts, needing others who are not there; these are all human experiences that each of us can point to at least one and say yes this is me. However, Only He (SWT) is there when we need Him, or even when we are too ignorant to admit our need. Only He (SWT) knows, like really knows, what lies in our hearts, and yet never minds us expressing it fully to Him. Only He (SWT) never abandons, never gets bored from hearing our same old stories, always appreciates, pushes forwards, and even gets closer. Only He (SWT) whose love for us is infinite, and our love for Him is never enough and our giving abilities are pathetically nonsense. Only He (SWT) is the right One to depend on, He is always there by our side even when we cannot see it: The Forever-Understanding, the Forever-Loving, the Forever-Forgiving. And yet, we simply go on with our absurd fallacies, and keep on falling for the same eternal paradoxes.

Diverse are our needs, and so distant our aspirations and calls, but one and only one way we all share together; it is the way where all our needs, aspirations, and calls go to; to Him (AWJ), our LOVED ONE. He who has seen it all... when we are good and when we go wrong. He has seen it all, we forget He is here, we forget where we went wrong. Our earthly relations can be destroyed simply over one wrong doings, but with Him it is a never-ending story. Let us, at least every once in a while, remember where should our hearts really be heading. Let us reach out to Him, together this time.

{Quick Reflections 10} It is all about the Heart

I recieved the following reflection from someone who prefers to remain anonymous. I guess it is more or less the story of everyone of us. The core is the same to most of us but the details are different. However the writer here manages to illustrate those precious feelings very vividly ma shaa ALLAAH.
Enjoy.



Got out of the car and hurried towards the mosque for the last taraweeh prayer that Ramadaan. My daughter's hand, my coffee, my purse, my Qur'aan, my prayer beads, was the baggage I had to carry along. I had other baggage too weighing on my heart and burdening my soul and I wondered if I would be relieved of that that night.


I was late, I barely made it to the last rakca of cishaa'. Is it too late?


There I was again, standing in taraweeh prayer for the last time; listening to the Imaam choking up in his moving recitation whenever he comes across an aayah of mercy or that of hellfire. There I was again with body and soul in complete harmony elated by an unmatched fulfillment, ecstatic to tears, yet overwhelmed by restlessness and anticipation. There I was again, lightly touched on both sides by the sisters of angelic faces next to me. There I was conjuring up my strength to be all there for Him and with Him one more time.


I could smell the light sweet scent of the carpet. I will miss this. I will miss the closeness I feel when I am whispering to my Lord in my prostration. In my very first sujood that Ramadaan and in that very same spot, I smiled thanking my Lord for bringing me back one more time in spite of it all. I told Him how much I missed being in that pure gracious place. That last night, the way that sweet scent embraced my face and forehead compelled me to prolong my sujood. I had to make ducaa' in that sujood. What should I say? Whom should I start with? There was not enough time. A soft nudge on the side would remind me every now and then to get up already, but there was not enough time; not enough time.


What happened to each rakca? Why are they that short? Why isn't the Imaam reading long segments of the Qur'aan like he used to? Or was he? Why did the first 4 rakcas end that soon? Why was the lesson in the break that short? I was looking forward and almost counting on it to fill me with awe, to remind me of steadfastness and to bid due farewell to Ramadaan. But it was not any of that. Or was it? I was waiting for something. I was waiting for a sign. Am I released yet? Have the gates I have been beseeching at all that month opened yet? I did not want the prayers to end, but they did.


Witr time, very last rakca, very last chance, dimmed lights, heaving hearts, breathless souls, poor hands raised one last time to their Lord. I was so tired. That was the end of the road. I raised my hands one last time that night, but it was not with the persistence and resolution of previous times, nor was it with the frequent imploring and pleading. This time it was utter weariness and complete submission. I hardly found the voice to repeat "Aameen" after the Imaam. My whole being was at His mercy now. My past, present and future; my destiny is in His hands now. No flowing tears would calm the turbulence inside, and no shaking would reveal my inner turmoil. Done was the ducaa'. Over was the last rak ca, and I remained there, sitting on the ground making my own ducaa'. Do not let go of me even when I am too unmindful to be there. Do not deprive me from this even when I do not deserve it. Bestow Your mercy on me even when I am unworthy of it. Guide me to Your path every time I go astray. Take my hand every time I fall. I am not coming to You this time with much worshipping or a record to be proud of. I am coming to You with a heart that finds no pleasure anywhere else if You are not content with me. I have nowhere else to go and no one else to turn to. Grant me steadfastness, grant me steadfastness, grant me steadfastness.


I had to get up. I had to go home. Friends came to me to bid me farewell, hugging me, consoling me for the loss of my loved month. I could not smile back to them. I could not say a word in my besieging grief. What would I say? It was over. I have not done much at all. Have I wasted my chances? Have I failed in enduring my afflictions and passing my tests? "Don't go yet," I felt like crying out. "Don't go yet," I felt like calling out for the angels. "Don't end yet," I felt like begging Ramadaan, "I still need you."


On my way back, I could not take my eyes off the beautiful clear sky. I was so keen in the last 10 days to look for a sign, any sign, that it was Laylat al-Qadr. I have seen clouds, I have seen freezing rain, I have seen sparkling stars, but I have not seen the sign.

Little did I know that the sign has always been there in my very heart. Loving the Lord is the sign, longing for His contentment is the sign, striving to please Him is the sign, longing for closeness and turning the heart, the soul, and whole being to Him and to Him only is the sign. That was the sign. It is all about the heart!


May Allaah (SWT) forgive us, bestow mercy on us and grant us steadfastness and plenty more Ramadaans to purify our souls and bring us much closer ISA.

{Quick Reflections 7} Close to Allaah?

I recieved the following true story from a close friend which is very relevant to everyone of us. It is the story of everyone who really knows what the true meaning and feeling of being close to ALLAAH (SWT) is. It is the complete opposite of what most of us think it is. Read and see for yourself.


"I have started Ramadan from a point of strength, optimistic with my plan and full of energy and zeal to carry it out, while seeing so many of my friends struggling to feel ready for Ramadan. When it was here, I thought I was ready. The first ten days went on with the same superb positive feeling. I finished my first khatma easily, was blessed with tearful and sencere dua every day, prayed all the sunnan, in short, I was literally doing more than I planned I would do. I felt secure, victorious, and satisfied with who I am.

Then came the second ten days, the zeal is almost gone, the energy is no where to be found, struggling hard to finish my second khatma and lagging behind with my heavy burden, wishing for one session of tearful dua like those i had so easily before. I came to the end of the second part with a weak and broken heart. No triumph this time. In the last few days of the second ten, I found myself facing the ugly heart of mine. Allah placed me in two situations one after the other to make me see who I really am. First situation is when I was faced with so many roads and so many far-reaching opportunities, lost dear dreams and new ones, not knowing where to go or where to head. Which is the right path? Which is the right path? Bewilderment was eating me up, feeling lost and tired. Then came a messenger sent by Allah to tell me how foolish and wrong I am. Allah opened my eyes on the fact that I am not relying on HIM, I am relying on myself. I wanted to choose for myself, and to choose correctly, because I know better! How small I feel, how stupid and ungrateful. Forgive me my Lord, I am foolish, Anta Wakeely ya Rab, I kept on saying, to plant it deep inside, knowing how hard it is to fully and truly submit, and I thought I know!

Then, I got the second blow on the last day of the middle ten days, on the night of the beginning of the last ten, I saw that heart of mine for what it really is, a heart of black stone that hideously claims goodness and tenderness. I saw how cruel and cold-hearted I can be. I saw myself avenging from someone who has someday caused me pain. I found myself unable to forgive, unable to reconcile with myself. I felt strong with this bitterness inside, turning down any attempt to heal, forgive, and go on. Then came another messenger of Allah to point my fingers at myself. Look at yourself.. see how ugly you are? I ask for Allah's mercy everyday, and I cry. Yet, I have this black heart inside, full of pride, fake strength, ugliness, and coldness. I used to feel proud how I can easily cry during dua, how I feel tried and exhausted when i finish because i was supplicating with my soul and heart and not with my tongue. Looking at who I am is .. a shock. How foolish that is.. to feel good about yourself, to feel that you've made it, you have become a better person, to ignore all the dirt and all the huge piles of sins and simply go on feeling happy with yourself! How wrong it is to be sure..

Now, the last portion of Ramadan is here, but I am not starting it out of strength, but out of weakness and shame and feeling how little and foolish I am. Knowing the dark heart of mine, yet begging for Allah's help to purify this heart full of stains. God, I have forgiven my wrongdoer, I have given up trying on my own, I have submitted to You. I am weak and I do not deserve to be looked at. But I have no where else to turn to. I am ashamed to meet you with all this dirt. I am ashamed to supplicate, but I have no where else to go. Although You know, You are Merciful and Kind, You are forgiving. I am no where near being the good person I thought I am. I used to preach about humbleness while I am full of pride, I used to preach about intentions while I am no longer sure of any of mine. I used to be praised for tenderness of heart, yet I know now how fake it is. I always claimed strength and sharpness, yet I am lost and afraid, shamefully and daringly standing at Your door full of sins and stains and dirt covering me. Forgive me my Lord. Forgive your broken slave."

Now we can understand better what "Umar Ibn-el-Khattaab (RA) meant when he said that if it was announced that all people will enter heaven except one, he thinks that that one would be him.
You are really close to ALLAAH (AWJ) when you really feel insignificant and small, not when you are a successful preacher whom everyone respects and listens to.
The following example was provided 5 months ago.

How do you measure how close you are to Allaah (SWT)? Here is a physical example and Allaah (AWJ) has the most-exalted similitude.

When you are far away from the sun; for example on Pluto (the furthest planet from the sun), you KNOW that the sun is there and recognize it but you cannot FEEL its heat and its great size as it looks small although you KNOW that it is very hot and very big.
The closer you get to it the more you FEEL how hot and how big it is and how small and insignificant you are.

Same with your relationship with Allaah (TWT). The more insignificant and small you FEEL with regards to Allaah's Greatness the closer you are to Him (TWT). Just KNOWING that you are small and insignificant with regards to His Greatness is not enough, you have to FEEL it with all your being, deep within your heart.

RABBINA yajtabeena elayhee.

{Quick Reflections 5} The Why!

With time and experience I realized the true meaning of the main principle my father used to teach me throughout my childhood and since I was less than 4 years old. Being the most mischeivous and disobedient child in kindergartin and at home and after all forms of persuasive and punitive attempts at correction failed to tame me my father adapted a new strategy. He kept repeating to me the fact that, "If I and your teacher and principal at school are not watching you at one point or another ALLAAH (SWT) is up there all the time watching you". Now that statement was very pivotal in my life as a child. When ever i wanted to do anything that i know no one will approve of i used to hide but then look up to the sky and think, "Hmmm, Dad told me that ALLAAH is up there and can see me where ever i go and i cannot hide from Him. He (AWJ) can even see through walls and ceilings, so now what? It is useless hiding and lying because He is there all the time and everywhere. So now if i want to do whatever i have in mind I have to do it in the open and without lying or twisting facts and face the consequences in the here and now which will usually be a punishment." However as i was very good at hiding and fabricating water-proof stories it was very tempting to go on with my mischieve behind the human authorities back!
However as the years went by and my father kept repeating that principle to me i finally got fed up and tired of evading humans especially in the light of understanding and seeing for myself what is death all about and how there is no way to evade it or evade being judged by ALLAAH.
As a teenager that idea evolved even further to the following one. Since ALLAAH knows not only what i am doing but even what i am thinking then what really maters is not what i am doing or how, which can be known by humans, but rather why. ALLAAH (SWT) is the only One Who knows why i am doing whatever i am doing while no human can know that. Accordingly the pivotal question in my life became why rather than what. Why am i doing whatever i am doing? Why was i created? Why is there good and bad? Why is the Qur'aan a miracle? Why is the best human Prophet Muhammad (SAWS)? Why is Islaam the only true religion? Why did Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) say so and so and not so and so? A continuous stream of why.
Regarding my inner self the answer to the why tells me about my true intentions. On the other hand regarding every other thing in life, religous or worldly, the answer to the why tells me about the wisdom and reason behind everything. True power lies in wisdom more than in just factual knowledge. As ALLAAH (SWT) says, "waman yu'taa al-hikmata faqad 'utiya khayran katheera".

To sum up i believe in raising our children we should focus on making them understand and know the answer to the why what is right is right, for which they are appraised, and what is wrong is wrong, for which they are punished rather than the blunt appraisal and punishment.

{Quick Reflections 4} When the Phone Rang...

I was doing something important when the phone rang. The phone call was from someone so dear to me so i dropped everything and answered the phone.
15 minutes later on my way to the mosque for prayers I was thinking how i immediatley dropped everything i was doing and passionatly answered the phone. Do i answer ALLAAH's call with the same passion and zeal as i answered the phone? Do i answer His call for prayers, His call for good manners, His call for perfecting my work, His call for spreading the Truth, His call for delivering the message, His call for abstaining from bad deeds, His call for fighting our worst enemy (shaytaan), His call for not following our personal inclinations ,.... with same passion and zeal, with the same enthusiasm and delight, with the same happiness and serenity, with the same willingness and content, with the same speed and energy as i answered the phone?
That very impulsive act of answering the phone was a measure as to how much that one was dear to me. How many times per day are we tested in a way such that our impulsive responses to the different calls of ALLAAH are measures to as how dear ALLAAH (SWT) is to us?
I claim to love ALLAAH (AWJ), but how truthful i am? How passionate i am when it actually comes to responding to His calls? Do i respond even before the call is made? Or do i wait until the call comes and then respond immediately? Or even worse do i wait for a while before responding? Or even worse and worse do I not respond in the first place? Or do i respond to some calls and not to others according to my personal inclinations?
Am i there all the time with Him just like i wish i was there all the time with my dear one? We all have very dear ones, be it a mother, father, brother, sister, wife/husband, children or friend. Is our practical passion for ALLAAH (SWT) and our Beloved (SAWS) more or that for any other human being?

Ooops, I hear it again, I have to go and answer, but is it the call or the phone?

May ALLAAH make us from those who say and live the ayah, "wa"ajiltu 'ilayka Rabi litardaa".

{Quick Reflections 1} The Crying Baby

On the first night of Ramadaan during taraweeh prayers I was standing somewhat in the back. While trying my best to focus and to reach as most khushoo" as i can accomplish a little child behind me started crying feverently for his mother. At that moment I wished I could cry with the same sincerity and feel for ALLAAH as that child was crying for his mother.