{Quick Reflections 7} Close to Allaah?

I recieved the following true story from a close friend which is very relevant to everyone of us. It is the story of everyone who really knows what the true meaning and feeling of being close to ALLAAH (SWT) is. It is the complete opposite of what most of us think it is. Read and see for yourself.


"I have started Ramadan from a point of strength, optimistic with my plan and full of energy and zeal to carry it out, while seeing so many of my friends struggling to feel ready for Ramadan. When it was here, I thought I was ready. The first ten days went on with the same superb positive feeling. I finished my first khatma easily, was blessed with tearful and sencere dua every day, prayed all the sunnan, in short, I was literally doing more than I planned I would do. I felt secure, victorious, and satisfied with who I am.

Then came the second ten days, the zeal is almost gone, the energy is no where to be found, struggling hard to finish my second khatma and lagging behind with my heavy burden, wishing for one session of tearful dua like those i had so easily before. I came to the end of the second part with a weak and broken heart. No triumph this time. In the last few days of the second ten, I found myself facing the ugly heart of mine. Allah placed me in two situations one after the other to make me see who I really am. First situation is when I was faced with so many roads and so many far-reaching opportunities, lost dear dreams and new ones, not knowing where to go or where to head. Which is the right path? Which is the right path? Bewilderment was eating me up, feeling lost and tired. Then came a messenger sent by Allah to tell me how foolish and wrong I am. Allah opened my eyes on the fact that I am not relying on HIM, I am relying on myself. I wanted to choose for myself, and to choose correctly, because I know better! How small I feel, how stupid and ungrateful. Forgive me my Lord, I am foolish, Anta Wakeely ya Rab, I kept on saying, to plant it deep inside, knowing how hard it is to fully and truly submit, and I thought I know!

Then, I got the second blow on the last day of the middle ten days, on the night of the beginning of the last ten, I saw that heart of mine for what it really is, a heart of black stone that hideously claims goodness and tenderness. I saw how cruel and cold-hearted I can be. I saw myself avenging from someone who has someday caused me pain. I found myself unable to forgive, unable to reconcile with myself. I felt strong with this bitterness inside, turning down any attempt to heal, forgive, and go on. Then came another messenger of Allah to point my fingers at myself. Look at yourself.. see how ugly you are? I ask for Allah's mercy everyday, and I cry. Yet, I have this black heart inside, full of pride, fake strength, ugliness, and coldness. I used to feel proud how I can easily cry during dua, how I feel tried and exhausted when i finish because i was supplicating with my soul and heart and not with my tongue. Looking at who I am is .. a shock. How foolish that is.. to feel good about yourself, to feel that you've made it, you have become a better person, to ignore all the dirt and all the huge piles of sins and simply go on feeling happy with yourself! How wrong it is to be sure..

Now, the last portion of Ramadan is here, but I am not starting it out of strength, but out of weakness and shame and feeling how little and foolish I am. Knowing the dark heart of mine, yet begging for Allah's help to purify this heart full of stains. God, I have forgiven my wrongdoer, I have given up trying on my own, I have submitted to You. I am weak and I do not deserve to be looked at. But I have no where else to turn to. I am ashamed to meet you with all this dirt. I am ashamed to supplicate, but I have no where else to go. Although You know, You are Merciful and Kind, You are forgiving. I am no where near being the good person I thought I am. I used to preach about humbleness while I am full of pride, I used to preach about intentions while I am no longer sure of any of mine. I used to be praised for tenderness of heart, yet I know now how fake it is. I always claimed strength and sharpness, yet I am lost and afraid, shamefully and daringly standing at Your door full of sins and stains and dirt covering me. Forgive me my Lord. Forgive your broken slave."

Now we can understand better what "Umar Ibn-el-Khattaab (RA) meant when he said that if it was announced that all people will enter heaven except one, he thinks that that one would be him.
You are really close to ALLAAH (AWJ) when you really feel insignificant and small, not when you are a successful preacher whom everyone respects and listens to.
The following example was provided 5 months ago.

How do you measure how close you are to Allaah (SWT)? Here is a physical example and Allaah (AWJ) has the most-exalted similitude.

When you are far away from the sun; for example on Pluto (the furthest planet from the sun), you KNOW that the sun is there and recognize it but you cannot FEEL its heat and its great size as it looks small although you KNOW that it is very hot and very big.
The closer you get to it the more you FEEL how hot and how big it is and how small and insignificant you are.

Same with your relationship with Allaah (TWT). The more insignificant and small you FEEL with regards to Allaah's Greatness the closer you are to Him (TWT). Just KNOWING that you are small and insignificant with regards to His Greatness is not enough, you have to FEEL it with all your being, deep within your heart.

RABBINA yajtabeena elayhee.